So once again I'm on the mac and things look funny.

I've been watching Law & Order: SVU recently (I have the DVDs courtesy of boy and I love Law & Order) and I'm still in shock every time. I know it's about sex crimes before I even pop the DVD in and I know that in order to keep its Emmy winning potential high year after year it has to come up with interesting twists to stay fresh. What still gnaws at me and makes me cringe every time though is the very basic premise of the whole SVU unit: that a sex crime has occurred.

I think the absolute worst episode is when a raped girl was given a card by one of the detectives when she was in the hospital and the day after she is released her body is found on some docks by the Hudson and the card is rammed in her mouth, crumpled. I actually threw up that episode, I don't think I ever could stand watching the entire thing.

I don't know why I watch the show; I think it's this bipolar masochistic yet driving need to watch that on some universe crimes like these actually are prosecuted successfully and that occasionally, there's a possibility just desserts will be served. On the other hand, it probably pushes me more often into those days I'm paralyzed by something, drugged by perpetual guilt and the self-loathing that on better days I try to wheedle out of myself.

Then I look at where this mess has taken me and it's somewhere along the lines of being unable to trust anybody or anything and this ugly, animal fear I get whenever I'm awake. I think someday, though, through the words of a good friend, "with reflection each day I get closer to where I want to be."

"I wake up scared, I wake up strange, I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change..."
-"What a Good Boy," Barenaked Ladies