It's been a while since I've actually written a fully thoughtful post on a topic that actually merits a thoughtful post. I suppose you can't force these kinds of things, and the dearth of quality engagement that my job presents me with probably just encourages this mental laziness that currently plagues me.

I have spent an awful lot of time lately thinking about the idea of a purposeful life. What is a truly purposeful life? Does it appeal to a "higher" sense of purpose, or does it fundamentally lie with, at the basest of descriptions, hedonism? I suspect it is the latter. The problem is that hedonistic satisfaction is an ever moving target. You may think you are ahead of the game, but at that precise moment, the game changes.

I think my game has changed dramatically as of late, to the point where I fail to recognize what I should be looking for or working towards in the first place. My game changed when I went to Nicaragua, and almost wanted to bank for the rest of my life. It pivoted again a few weeks ago when Mr. left for several months and left me to conclude that I now lack the desire to race my bike altogether. It blurred again when I sat in Dr. Rifkin's office confirming that I'd go to medical school and afterwards panicking that I was not made for that world. I want some aspect of renewed focus somewhere, anywhere in my life so badly. Every time I think I settle on it, I lose it completely again. The king of hearts, the joker's wild

I feel like it changed again tonight, and my understanding now is what was solid can become fluid, and I don't want it to be that way. Coping with uncertainty is part of growing up. I don't think that successful coping implies comfort, however, so I am just skitting along with minimal comfort and an eye toward developing thicker skin with regards to uncertainty. But the uncertainty continues to gnaw away at me and infects the certainty that I was so fortunate to have.

"So this is who I am
And this is all I know
And I must choose to live
For all that I can give
The spark that makes the power grow"

I am tired; it is late. Life is dragging me along and I'm fairly certain where it's going, but I wish I didn't know. I think I realize now that life was meant to be brutishly difficult - punctuated by moments of torment that gradually fade to a low-frequency throb. A slow pulse you dull by turning to something. For some people, that might be a god, for others, that means drink; just anything that can break a fixation built upon fear of the inevitable.

"Cause I have found a dream that must come true
Every ounce of me must see it through
But you are my only
I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play
Hand over my heart, I'll find a way"

At some point, though, you still need to lose it all. That day is coming, I just don't know when.

So I went and came back from the third world. It is too all-encompassing of a trip to try and write every detail of it here, so I will isolate only a few of my thoughts.

-I feel questionable about charity to third world countries. I suppose I have to qualify this: I am questionable about how I feel when you give "selectively" - when you give something that can only benefit some people in a community and not all. I think there's a larger problem with charity of this sort, and without going into too much detail, I have concluded that it tends to reinforce the social hierarchies which already exist - ones that may be frustratingly unjust and systemically reinforced. I guess the whole experience has left me with a new perspective with which to audit my own planned giving.

- Keisha White, "The Weakness in Me." I had several good conversations with my colleague over the course of this trip, given that we were holed up in an electricity-less, hot water-less shack for the better part of a week. I conclude that I don't envy most relationships, really. I guess envy is the wrong word, given that I'm in one (a stable, relatively boring one by objective standards), but in a way, I am happy that I've never been in one so terribly complex I have trouble falling asleep. I suppose those who are in one such relationship can take solace in the fact that life is long. Very long.

I suppose those were the take home points. Also, I like private islands.

SO a couple new developments since I've last written:

I am going to learn Arabic, with the help of the Rosetta Stone CDs (I bought the whole set, along with the Ipod audio companion...); I split the cost with a buddy at work so it comes in at a moderately reasonable $230/head (or thereabouts). I found an online coupon that helped defray some of the hideous charges...

The century I signed up for in Philly is apparently going to be a fucking ridiculous sufferfest. Like ridiculous. I read reviews of the race from previous years (same route) and people are saying that it has some dirty hellacious climbs that maul you right around mile 70, when your will to live is wearing thin and I am scared. I have decided that this may well necessitate the purchase of a compact crank. I'm going to the bike store tomorrow to check it out...

In other news, I have found a watch to replace the crazy hours that doesn't look good on me :( - and it is a fucking awesome Blancpain women's watch that has a perpetual calendar (mmmm) and is a chronometer (double mmmm). I just need to figure out how much I can get it for and I have promised myself I will halfway save to it before I blow the whole amount on the watch. Seems to me a pretty fair compromise for delaying gratification that I realistically "need" not delay. I figure I can tuck a few hundred bucks away every month for it and get there before I leave for school next fall, or potentially even before that if I am wily and apply my whole tax refund to it (Extremely Wily.)

I've stopped contributing in my 401k entirely and am now putting the money into my Roth IRA instead (it will probably be the last year I am eligible to contribute to the Roth IRA for quite some time), so that I have access to the money should I choose to return to school or buy a house. I am also attempting a little active budgeting in the next few months (we'll see how that goes...) to save up for my watch more quickly, squeeze in my overpriced gym membership, feed more old people than previously, all while saving my entire raise, which is not an insubstantial amount of shit to fit in every month. The trap I don't want to fall into is allowing my raise to basically be drained away by incremental spending.

In other news, my bond buying spree is paying off like crazy. HOT.

Okay so my bonus is here and no, I didn't buy any Bling. I didn't even really want to, though. I just discovered there was absolutely nothing else on earth I really need to buy right now (well, there are a few things, but they will come if they come). And even the things I "want," I don't want that much. So I basically woke up one day with a pile more money that I made myself and it feels pretty good.

I actually did contribute additionally to my 401k, a rather paltry sum (a little north of $2500), because at the last minute, I crunched the numbers pretty hard and discovered nearly $1100 in "free" money from the federal government. My bonus was so ok that I wouldn't miss the other $1400 or so I'd have to pony up myself anyway. I guess it's gone for another 40 years...

I bought my first share of Berkshire Hathaway today, and saw it rise (how satisfying)! I should be holding onto that for quite some time. In addition, I opened, or started the process of opening a Roth IRA account, into which I should be putting some money, bit by bit. I am slowly saving my way to $$$, from $, and I am pretty satisfied with my personal progress in that regard. I have set myself some new goals which I think are challenging but not impossible, and doubly more reasonable if the below strategies work out:

I'm still looking to buy a house to rent out and a couple of other off-the-wall money making ideas, and looking into opening my own business at some point, the first two within the next year or so, and the latter within some period of time, as of yet unspecified, but definitely around 5 years from now should the right opportunity come along.

It's a little gross, but a friend and I were talking over dinner tonight about how we can...basically afford to buy bottles every week at the club (we can), or how we can more or less splurge however we want (I mean, I could buy a brand new Porsche...), but really, we would rather not. We spent the rest of the night laughing at how cheap we were. He brings coffee to work in a thermos to avoid having to buy it. I bring lunch in a Ziplock container in my $1500 purse. I took the subway all the way downtown to save $10 on my running shoes. We are both seriously thinking of getting a Charles Schwab credit card just to earn free trades. Ted and I both went to coney island and spent less than $80 for the two of us for a "vacation." On top of that, the only vacation we've taken in the last YEAR came up to <$800/head because we were too cheap to fly anywhere.

In other news, I signed up for my first bike century! 100 miles in Philly, a Livestrong ride...I am starting to train hardcore...

And I am really, really happy.

Last night was incredible .

I'm still smiling today.




My custom shoes are also coming this morning/afternoon AND I ordered a Garmin 705 Edge. (YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

So I received a form today about my 401k bonus deferral, asking me to specify a dollar amount that I would like to contribute to my 401k tax free. I thought about it pretty long and hard and decided that I didn't actually want to put anything more into my 401k. I reason:

My income level allows me to fund a Roth IRA (contributions are after-tax, but grow tax deferred and are not subject to tax upon withdrawl), probably up to $5000, but only for this year because my income is likely to be over the ca next year, and unlike a 401k, I can withdraw my contributions (but not earnings) freely in case of an emergency. I also have the flexibility of buying stocks, ETFs, and whatever else I want in a Roth IRA account, (PIMCO total return, anybody?), which I don't with my 401k.

On the other hand, my tax bill is getting unwieldly and immediately contributing to a 401k will make me see more "take home income" for funding the same amount.

The latter 401k pro reason seems like an awfully shallow consideration, all in all, and given that I have NO idea what my bonus will be, I may not feel like tying a substantial portion of it up for another 40+ years. On top of that, I won't be with my employer for long and I am going to roll it out of the company and lose approximately $600 or so upon quitting. Making me whole on the other side of the equation is that I get to sell some of the company shares I purchased (for a hefty gain), should I choose to. Those gains are untaxable (or rather, already taxed) and represent a direct injection to my cash situation. I have a few thousand bucks in gains on that end.

I plan on saving at least half of my bonus, minus buying a few items (bling?) that I want and perhaps doing other funny things with it, like bidding for Tiffany items at Christie's.

In addition, I have opened a new entirely separate account for the Galapagos Fund at HSBC, which is an ultra-high rate savings account. That's good news because the monthly income from my sorta high rate checking account with Charles Schwab is kicking the crap out of my functional "cash management" First Republic account. The Galapagos Fund is relatively small so every little bit helps. Additionally, I am going to contribute 50% of all $1 bills in my possession to the fund, and will compell mr man to do the same.

Long story short: No additional 401k for me.

I am watching Blue Planet again (!) and I always find all of the DVDs pretty fascinating. My personal favorite is disc 3, which is "Deep Seas." Mmmmmmm...

I can't wait for my computrainer to get here...I heart computrainer. I was contemplating getting Kreitler Rollers, but space is limited and buying rollers (even though they're cheap on slowtwitch.com) seems to be a foolish use of space. I was contemplating getting a Garmin 305 (or maybe a 705?!) computer in order to create virtual maps of places I've ridden which in all their awesomeness could be uploaded to create new Computrainer files....fucking ridiculous. I found one used on slowtwitch for $150, shipped. I might be able to find one for less on ebay, but we'll see.

I think I have decided I want to do a big bike tour this year, either by attending a carmichael training camp (super cool) or by doing one of those organized cycling tours. Alternatively, I could enter a race in another city - I was thinking Tucson, AZ - and just plan a mini vacation around that...I am so so so excited and am going to look into doing something awesome like this in November.

I am also eyeing next year's civilian tour stage...

So the Galapagos Fund has been accumulating nicely (though not nearly enough to get us to the Galapagos Islands...), and that got Mr. and I thinking that we probably want to go there soon. Our primary rationale being that it would be a whole lot harder to get there if the islands were closed off to tourists, as the pie-in-the-sky "authorities" have been considering for quite some time.

Mr. and I were thinking of taking a nice jaunt on an Abercrombie & Kent or Butterfields & Robinson tour...which would guarantee that we had a nice relaxing time there as well. I am of the opinion that we both work damn hard and that we are thus allowed to relax in luxury.

On that vein...I had NO idea that a significant number of people who are "working" after college are working 9-5 jobs...Jobs like that absolutely blow my mind and I wonder sometimes whether I should be doing that or not. Mr and I work pretty crappy hours (not the worst hours by a long shot, but undesirable nonetheless) - we usually roll into our respective offices at 9:30 or so, though I've definitely been forced to show my ass up at 7:30am to get crap done, and we don't EVER leave earlier than 7:30 or so. Without a lunch break. Yes, you got that right: I do not take an hour off for lunch. I rarely take more than 10 minutes to eat. That doesn't include the fact that I drag work home with me almost every day and that I have to work at least one day on the weekends. I suppose it helps that my bosses are nice guys and that I can expect a discretionary bonus, but really, I am sorta fed up at this point and if my bonus isn't GI-FUCKING-NORMOUS, I will be thoroughly compelled to jump ship.

On the bright side, I have built a pretty bulletproof netowrk and done a great job of establishing my competence thanks to this one client of mine (yes, I am the relationship manager), and I have a few escape hatches planned should I be put into a position where I am dissatisfied with my bonus. Which is getting paid out in less than a month. I am excited. Galapagos, here we come.

Okay so things are looking up on the whole (!) I have a net worth of roughly $12,000 (which happened absurdly quickly thanks to a tax refund and a few stars aligning in terms of expenses. About $10k is in pure "I don't need to touch it" savings, with the rest in cushion cash which is nice, because this is at a faster rate than my initial plan of $10,000 this (working) year, which I thought was pretty reasonable, all in. I am going to aim to pocket another 3.5k in investments and I am helped along by my employee stock purchase plan. I will be able to turn $820 or so dollars into $1900 or so overnight, which is generous.

And then I am going to unapologetically blow 50% of my take-home bonus.

And then boringly invest the rest.

A few thoughts (it has been a while since I have been thinking, clearly):

1) Kundera's "The Curtain" reminds me just how little varied thinking I do on a daily basis, which is a terrific shame.

2) I will stick out the miserableness of my job for the sake of sticking something out for 2 years (miserable, but it is doing a great job of inflating my net worth)

3) I heart my investments; for a while, it was terrifically painful being a MS/GS investor but now I am being paid off handsomely. I hope it lasts.

4) The Polaroid SX-70 was the coolest camera ever made. I mean ever. I am going to go trick it out with the rest of my vacation and take schnazzy pictures.

5) Francky-Franck, you make a beautiful watch.