I've ignored this blog for a while, mostly because I have better things to do than consolidate my thoughts to an unknown audience. I suppose the truth is that my life is too interesting and too all-engrossing to really sit down and reflect on what might be in store for the next while and I find myself retreating further and further from online connectivity, generally speaking. I'm positive that nobody is waiting with bated breath for an update of how my life is going, which paradoxically made the concept of a blog so appealing in the first place. Perhaps this marks the beginning of the end: a slow death for the repository of thoughts that began a few years ago (almost four, now) because I had something on my mind. I no longer have all that much on my mind anymore - or at least nothing that weighs heavily enough to be mulled over. I'm sure I will someday soon; it just hasn't been lately. 

1) Collected works

Always getting very philosophical after a major move, where half of my things are now in storage and the other half is in various stages of decomposition on my apartment floor, I have concluded that 99% of the crap I own is inconsequential to a purposeful life. The same may be for you as well. To combat this, I am adopting a new (well, new-ish) strategy, borrowed from a dear friend's parents: the aim being to collect as much genuinely well-edited crafted stuff, rather than branded disposable stuff as possible.

On the other hand, I love most of my stuff: my CDs, most of my clothing, my bike, my shoes. I would be a lousy Buddhist if I were a Buddhist.

Instead, I have opted to employ the "curated stuff" theory of acquisition, which is to say that I am trying very hard not to buy so much junk and to buy much more Better Stuff. I want to think I never bought lousy stuff to begin with, that I always aimed for quality over volume, but one glance at my shoerack illustrates that statement is only half true. I buy good stuff, but a whole lot of it. I think in the interests of supporting the economy rationally, I should buy even better stuff (perhaps this is an upgrade to the blow-the-doors-off quality?) and even less of it. At the same time, I would love a house full of collected treasures when I become old and infirm, and as much as they would have you believe otherwise, Prada is not forever. Nor is Pinarello.

As encouragement, I will begin to post (occasionally, not constantly) pictures of my collected treasures, some from far off places and some just from next door.

2) Wedded Bliss?

I went to a fabulous Indian wedding the other day (I say this casually, but it was closer to "ridiculous" and it was in India proper), which was my first Indian wedding and hopefully not my last. Having never been to an Indian wedding before, I was awed by the enormity of it all and drawn to notice the contrasts between Indian weddings and Christian weddings:

i) The party is not all about the bride, and there is no real expectation that she should be. This strikes me as remarkably refreshing, not the least in part because I have been watching a lot of Bridezillas lately. In fact, while Bride and Groom show up at the festivities at some point, it is usually a few hours late and the party has long since begun by then - it seems the whole concept is built around a party for the guests, and that makes for a marvelously memorable wedding.

ii) There is a huge emphasis on making happiness rather than expecting happiness. This has left me much to think about. I think it telling also, that there was a long, drawn out melancholy procession after the actual wedding ceremony where there were Sanskrit singers (closer to moaners) and free flowing tears on the bride's side...not happy tears per se, but mournful ones. It reminds me somewhat of that Everclear song "Learning How to Smile:"

Life just keeps on gettin' smaller and we never ask why
Why there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true
I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do

I suppose I am then reminded that happiness is really defined as when life is "not bad" and that it is hard work to be happy, or rather, find happiness in what it is you do. It is a lot to think about.

It's been a while since I've actually written a fully thoughtful post on a topic that actually merits a thoughtful post. I suppose you can't force these kinds of things, and the dearth of quality engagement that my job presents me with probably just encourages this mental laziness that currently plagues me.

I have spent an awful lot of time lately thinking about the idea of a purposeful life. What is a truly purposeful life? Does it appeal to a "higher" sense of purpose, or does it fundamentally lie with, at the basest of descriptions, hedonism? I suspect it is the latter. The problem is that hedonistic satisfaction is an ever moving target. You may think you are ahead of the game, but at that precise moment, the game changes.

I think my game has changed dramatically as of late, to the point where I fail to recognize what I should be looking for or working towards in the first place. My game changed when I went to Nicaragua, and almost wanted to bank for the rest of my life. It pivoted again a few weeks ago when Mr. left for several months and left me to conclude that I now lack the desire to race my bike altogether. It blurred again when I sat in Dr. Rifkin's office confirming that I'd go to medical school and afterwards panicking that I was not made for that world. I want some aspect of renewed focus somewhere, anywhere in my life so badly. Every time I think I settle on it, I lose it completely again. The king of hearts, the joker's wild

I feel like it changed again tonight, and my understanding now is what was solid can become fluid, and I don't want it to be that way. Coping with uncertainty is part of growing up. I don't think that successful coping implies comfort, however, so I am just skitting along with minimal comfort and an eye toward developing thicker skin with regards to uncertainty. But the uncertainty continues to gnaw away at me and infects the certainty that I was so fortunate to have.

"So this is who I am
And this is all I know
And I must choose to live
For all that I can give
The spark that makes the power grow"

I am tired; it is late. Life is dragging me along and I'm fairly certain where it's going, but I wish I didn't know. I think I realize now that life was meant to be brutishly difficult - punctuated by moments of torment that gradually fade to a low-frequency throb. A slow pulse you dull by turning to something. For some people, that might be a god, for others, that means drink; just anything that can break a fixation built upon fear of the inevitable.

"Cause I have found a dream that must come true
Every ounce of me must see it through
But you are my only
I'm sorry I don't have a role for love to play
Hand over my heart, I'll find a way"

At some point, though, you still need to lose it all. That day is coming, I just don't know when.

So I went and came back from the third world. It is too all-encompassing of a trip to try and write every detail of it here, so I will isolate only a few of my thoughts.

-I feel questionable about charity to third world countries. I suppose I have to qualify this: I am questionable about how I feel when you give "selectively" - when you give something that can only benefit some people in a community and not all. I think there's a larger problem with charity of this sort, and without going into too much detail, I have concluded that it tends to reinforce the social hierarchies which already exist - ones that may be frustratingly unjust and systemically reinforced. I guess the whole experience has left me with a new perspective with which to audit my own planned giving.

- Keisha White, "The Weakness in Me." I had several good conversations with my colleague over the course of this trip, given that we were holed up in an electricity-less, hot water-less shack for the better part of a week. I conclude that I don't envy most relationships, really. I guess envy is the wrong word, given that I'm in one (a stable, relatively boring one by objective standards), but in a way, I am happy that I've never been in one so terribly complex I have trouble falling asleep. I suppose those who are in one such relationship can take solace in the fact that life is long. Very long.

I suppose those were the take home points. Also, I like private islands.

SO a couple new developments since I've last written:

I am going to learn Arabic, with the help of the Rosetta Stone CDs (I bought the whole set, along with the Ipod audio companion...); I split the cost with a buddy at work so it comes in at a moderately reasonable $230/head (or thereabouts). I found an online coupon that helped defray some of the hideous charges...

The century I signed up for in Philly is apparently going to be a fucking ridiculous sufferfest. Like ridiculous. I read reviews of the race from previous years (same route) and people are saying that it has some dirty hellacious climbs that maul you right around mile 70, when your will to live is wearing thin and I am scared. I have decided that this may well necessitate the purchase of a compact crank. I'm going to the bike store tomorrow to check it out...

In other news, I have found a watch to replace the crazy hours that doesn't look good on me :( - and it is a fucking awesome Blancpain women's watch that has a perpetual calendar (mmmm) and is a chronometer (double mmmm). I just need to figure out how much I can get it for and I have promised myself I will halfway save to it before I blow the whole amount on the watch. Seems to me a pretty fair compromise for delaying gratification that I realistically "need" not delay. I figure I can tuck a few hundred bucks away every month for it and get there before I leave for school next fall, or potentially even before that if I am wily and apply my whole tax refund to it (Extremely Wily.)

I've stopped contributing in my 401k entirely and am now putting the money into my Roth IRA instead (it will probably be the last year I am eligible to contribute to the Roth IRA for quite some time), so that I have access to the money should I choose to return to school or buy a house. I am also attempting a little active budgeting in the next few months (we'll see how that goes...) to save up for my watch more quickly, squeeze in my overpriced gym membership, feed more old people than previously, all while saving my entire raise, which is not an insubstantial amount of shit to fit in every month. The trap I don't want to fall into is allowing my raise to basically be drained away by incremental spending.

In other news, my bond buying spree is paying off like crazy. HOT.

Okay so my bonus is here and no, I didn't buy any Bling. I didn't even really want to, though. I just discovered there was absolutely nothing else on earth I really need to buy right now (well, there are a few things, but they will come if they come). And even the things I "want," I don't want that much. So I basically woke up one day with a pile more money that I made myself and it feels pretty good.

I actually did contribute additionally to my 401k, a rather paltry sum (a little north of $2500), because at the last minute, I crunched the numbers pretty hard and discovered nearly $1100 in "free" money from the federal government. My bonus was so ok that I wouldn't miss the other $1400 or so I'd have to pony up myself anyway. I guess it's gone for another 40 years...

I bought my first share of Berkshire Hathaway today, and saw it rise (how satisfying)! I should be holding onto that for quite some time. In addition, I opened, or started the process of opening a Roth IRA account, into which I should be putting some money, bit by bit. I am slowly saving my way to $$$, from $, and I am pretty satisfied with my personal progress in that regard. I have set myself some new goals which I think are challenging but not impossible, and doubly more reasonable if the below strategies work out:

I'm still looking to buy a house to rent out and a couple of other off-the-wall money making ideas, and looking into opening my own business at some point, the first two within the next year or so, and the latter within some period of time, as of yet unspecified, but definitely around 5 years from now should the right opportunity come along.

It's a little gross, but a friend and I were talking over dinner tonight about how we can...basically afford to buy bottles every week at the club (we can), or how we can more or less splurge however we want (I mean, I could buy a brand new Porsche...), but really, we would rather not. We spent the rest of the night laughing at how cheap we were. He brings coffee to work in a thermos to avoid having to buy it. I bring lunch in a Ziplock container in my $1500 purse. I took the subway all the way downtown to save $10 on my running shoes. We are both seriously thinking of getting a Charles Schwab credit card just to earn free trades. Ted and I both went to coney island and spent less than $80 for the two of us for a "vacation." On top of that, the only vacation we've taken in the last YEAR came up to <$800/head because we were too cheap to fly anywhere.

In other news, I signed up for my first bike century! 100 miles in Philly, a Livestrong ride...I am starting to train hardcore...

And I am really, really happy.